thoughts

frustrated.

hungry.

tired.

worn out.

upset.

these words are swirling in the caverns of my mind. i have so many questions and still no answers.

I want to eat. i really do. i dream of food. i dream of eating steak, baked potatoes, cheesecake. i dream of the day where i can eat big meals and not feel pain. and i was supposed to have answers today.

cold.

dark.

pain.

dizziness.

those words surrounded me this morning. why was i not strong enough?

"i'm so sorry to have wasted your time" i murmured to the nurses as they pulled the machine away.

"it's okay, we aren't going to force you to do something you aren't ready for"

"but i am ready for it, i just can't drink this. it hurts"

"there are other options i suppose, but it may be a while"

i sat there, a half empty cup of crystals fizzing up at me, taunting me. the pain in my left side had grown. i couldn't drink it. my heart was beating faster and faster. i couldn't breathe.

"I am with you"

I know He was. I know He is. And maybe i struck out this time. one of these days i will have answers. just not today.

"And i will praise You in this storm

and i will lift my hands

For You are who You are

no matter where I am"

park sightings

"all i can do is worship You"

lately that line has been consistently rumbling through my head.

i have had many unknowns develop over the past several months.  many heartaches. many uncertainties.  my mind still can not fully digest nor wrap itself around what's going on in my life.

i don't have answers to any of my questions.  I don't have stability in many areas of my "adult life".  

but i'm coming to grips to realizing that through it all, "all i can do is worship You". through the bad times.

worship You.

through the good times.

Honor You.

through the difficult times.

Run to You.

i was sitting at the park a few days ago where a father and his child were playing.  The Father was trying to point out the millions of fish off the dock to his son who kept running ahead. The father would catch up, encourage his son to come look at the fishes, only to have his son laugh, and run away.  The father was persistent and kept running after his son.  the son would try to peek his little head through the fencing to look at the fishes but of course could not, and then would proceed to run farther ahead. each time the Father would leave his comfortable spot and run towards his child.  Finally the father scooped up his son in his arms, while his son screamed and begged to be let down. he fought with his dad when finally his dad hoisted him on his shoulders so he could get a better look at the fish. the son laughed and smiled.

i love it when my Father hoists me up, scoops me in His arms and carries me away.

but more importantly i love it when He never lets me go, runs after me, and never gives up.

"all i can do is worship You"

wallflower

i'm so sick of being pushed to the wayside. sick of not being noticed. i don't know if it's a pride thing or what but if i do a good job at work, or clean up nicely, or hit the right note, whatever, i just ask for a simple thank you. 

or good job.

or that's awesome.

but tonight what do i get?

silence.

sometimes i wonder if there's a reason i'm overlooked. it's kind of frustrating really.

it's like, how much harder can i try?

how much more can i do?

do you even care?

would you notice if i just slipped into the background?

yup. i guess that's what i might as well do.

but the life of a wallflower sounds like such a bland life.

words

your words.

they sting.

they etch in my heart.

stop.

but you continue.

as if it's a game

as if you can try as many times as you can to

agitate

frustrate

confuse

abuse

it's not a game

my ears are ringing with the thoughts

you're a horrible person

you're a selfish person

you could never do this

you could never say that

stop.

i guess i may have to let you go.

i've held on for as long as i can.

and i've told you as many times as i could.

one day you'll see.

you'll recognize.

you will understand

and appreciate.

but i won't be there.

questions.

when will i pick up the pieces

when will time let me move forward

i sit here. this numbing feeling in my chest.

i try to worship.

i try to smile.

these forced conversations. forced feelings.

i lock them up hoping they won't come out.

i won't let You see my hurt

my pain.

but You do. and You cry with me.

God i'm so sick of tears. i hate them. i should be done with them right now.

You are breaking me. i know it's necessary

but

it

hurts

like 

hell

i'm just being honest.  i'm sick of not feeling up to standards.

but i am Your child.

that should be enough.

You see me stumble. Shake Your head and pick me up again.

when will this be over?

when will my broken-ness be fixed?

when will my wounds heal?

only You know.

and Your timing is perfect.

whenever that time will be.

stubborn-ness

i'm stubborn. 

i've come to realize this fact about myself, especially lately with the whirlwind of emotions and events that have been settling inside my life.

this past Sunday was an exceptionally eventfully long day.  I had free tickets to a waterpark here in Orlando called Aquatica.  My room mate Les and two friends Carolina and Susan ventured out to this fun domain.  Being out in the sun and riding down tons of waterslides can take a lot out of you.  Susan and i opted to go to the later church service that evening. My body did not want to go but my heart yearned so much for it.

lately i have felt God is doing something in my life. He's been ripping a lot of stuff out of my life, which, i guess, to make room to plant more stuff. but it hurts.  it's been hurting for the past ten months.

i would love to say that everything is better but I'm not going to lie. it's not. 

every time i go in to status lately, my heart is heavy. i hate it.  church should be a place where i can lay down my burdens and worship freely. but every sunday it's the same. my heart is bleeding for some sort of comfort. God has been ever faithful to restore so many things in my life.  i know He is working on me.

but it hurts.

but i am having faith.

the first part of worship i couldn't go in. i just sat in the lobby and caught up with random people. my energy is gone. as the first worship set wraps up we decide to venture in.

lately i have wanted to hide in the back. i don't know why. i guess maybe slip in, unnoticed.  As we grab our seats cole started speaking and offering some sort of altar call.  i can't remember his exact words but he starts asking if there is anyone broken here. yup. that's me.  

anyone that has felt they are in a desert. me again.

anyone who is crying out. bingo, me.

he asks a series of these types of questions and offers that if these apply to you, to come down to the front for prayer.  i tense up in my seat.  i'm not getting up, there is no way i am standing up in front of all these people and make my way up to the very front. nope.

he proceeds to ask again and again and i feel a stirring in my heart.

Go. up. there.

No.

  i start making excuses.  

"i'm wearing a dress" i think to myself. "there's no way i should go up there, i can't kneel in this"

Go.

my ears are pounding and i'm fighting to breathe.  

"there are plenty of people going up there that probably need more prayer than i do. i'll stay back here in the back and wait"

Go. up. there.

NOW.

I literally felt as if i was being pushed up out of my seat and dragged to the very front.  i audibly shouted "FINE!" and shook my head.  God, i thought, if you want me up there, okay, but i'm sure other people need the prayer more than i do. but i'm going up there. see?

i get to the very front and attempt to kneel.  can't do it. why did i wear a skirt tonight, of all nights?  i try to "lady-like" sit on the floor as cole proceeds to tell us that people are going to come around and pray for us. i close my eyes and wait.

no one comes.

suddenly i feel completely alone. it's a feeling that has become all too real lately. i overhear people talking to their "prayer partners"

i'm struggling with alcohol addictions

i have a drug addiction.

i've had childhood trauma that i can't escape.

i listen attentively to these voices swirling around and around and i start thinking to myself. insert the inner monologue here.

i shouldn't be up here God.  i'm not worthy enough to be up here with these people.  they are suffering much more than i am. they need the prayer not me.  but You called me up here. so i'm staying.  but none of my "junk" is anything what they are going through...

suddenly i feel myself praying for everyone else. everyone else seems so much more broken.

i should have stayed in my seat.

then i feel a light touch on my shoulder and familiar face. Jenae.

"oh i'm so happy it's you! what can i help you pray through"

and then the tears come. streams of them.

and i feel myself collapse on her shoulder. the room darkens and no one else is around. her words are strong and feverent.  another shadow crosses over the sea of praying faces and grabs me by the shoulders. katie.  she cradles me as well. and prays.

everyone who has come up to the front starts to get up to go to their seats. i try but i can't move.

i hate crying. absolutely hate it. but i can't stop.  

i just sit and listen to the worship that has apparently been going on for the past ten minutes.  everyone else has left the front of the room. but i'm still there. 

i still can't move.

Jenn comes rushing over and hugs me. "know that God loves you. He's showing this through Katie"

"jenn i hate being up here. i hate it. i don't want to be up here right now. why am i still here"

music is playing. voices are singing. my eyes are filled with tears. God has a purpose through this pain.  i'm still learning it. i think i will be learning for a while now.

but learning is good. i'm trying to embrace this time that i am in. this season. hopefully it will be over. soon. and i shall be victorious through it.

God is pulling me through.

and i'm learning i can't be stubborn with Him.

....and the beat goes on

... i last left you guys at the airport. my flight cancelled. not knowing a single soul in San Fran....

well i lied. sort of. i know three people. One. Susie the lady we stayed with however she was on her way to England in the coming days. Two. my "friend" steve. another story in itself. and three. a friend of a friend Katie.

I called Katie in tears because i have never been in a situation like this. i hated it. every minute. she calmed me down significantly. she let me know that if worst came to worst and i didn't get on the late night flight to LA she would drive down from Santa Rosa.. which was about a 2 hour drive. pick me up, drive back, and then drive me down early in the morning for an 8am flight that the airline would book me on. i was hoping that wasn't the case. but her ability to calm me was very much appreciative. however. i  stil needed to figure out how to get to LA. as i was attempting to dial Mel my friend Mark beeped in. Mark lives in LA. mark and i have a short past together. all good things though. i have not spoken to Mark in over a years time though...

"Tiffany how are you doing? you in LA yet?"

:: sniffles:: "no i am stuck in the airport and i don't know what to do and my friends are in LA now but i am here and i am lost and i'm lonely and..."

"Whoa. slow down. what's going on?"

As i told him the situation and once again he was another individual to keep me calm. he explained that if the airline could get me to Orange county then Mel and Jeanne could drive up there.

"well what if I just get a taxi from here to LA..."

"Tiff do you realize how far LA is from San Fran.. unless you have 2,000 dollars..."

so option number uno was out.

" i really don't think they know where Orange county is...."

::pause::

"then listen tiff, you get that flight there and i will come pick you up."

He was always like that. Always caring and thinking of others before himself.

5pm. stuck in San fran. option one stay and travel to Santa Rosa with Katie and back in the morning for a definite flight. option two. fly to orange county. option 3. get on the flippin' next flight to LA. i wanted option three please.

As i was texting Katie back and forth keeping her posted with the situation, Steve beeped in and i explained what was going on.

"listen, i have some friends in San Fran right now, if you don't make the late flight, they are more than happy to pick you up, drive you back to Santa Rosa to katie's so that you have a place to stay... you are gonna be okay"

strange how when you have no control over a situation, suddenly options begin to fall into place.

so that was option four. still not good enough, because i was tired, hungry, and stuck in an airport by myself.

I called my friend Sonny back in Orlando, he always had a way of calming me. and that he did. in a different way.

"tiff, you aren't alone. this might sound cheesy but you know that God's got this right? that Jesus is right there with you, right?"

"Yess.... but..."

"But what... you believe that right?"

"yes but I just don't feel like being in this situation right now. i want to be with my friends"

"calm down, grab something to eat and meet a new friend Tiff. God has you stuck here for a reason..."

5:30pm. i mosyed on over to the ticket counter for LA. what a surprise, no flight attendants.. they seem to be hiding from me. another woman was in the same boat as me.

"if you want some company, I'll be grabbing a glass of wine over there.."

that sounded really good right about now. after collecting myself i ventured over to my new friend.

though her name has left me, we quickly talked about our passions with children. you see, she works in DC with a children's hospital and some of her children have been sent to where i work at, Give Kids the World. i think her name was Sheila.

flash forward two hours later and she is my new buddy on the flight over to LA. she's a very talkative woman. calls me girlfriend. not sure what i think about that. she's very loud and animative. i like that.

we finally land and part ways as i am in the "lovely" town of LA ::insert sarcastic tone here:: my luggage had apparently been here for quite a while yet i was stuck in San Fran. with no help from any of the airline attendants, i finally locate my luggage spinning around and around by itself on a lone conveyor belt.

next step. get a hold of Mel. find ride. get sleep. this was going to be a 3 hour process in the making

first of all, my cell phone had very little service when i landed. the one call that DID go through was him. it was such a relief to hear a friendly voice.

"hey tiff so you are here?!"

"yeah i am but.. i'm lost"

"lost? whose picking you up"

"I don't know. I can't get ahold of my friend. i've been in airports since 12 noon. it's 9:30pm. i'm tired. i don't know what to do..." my voice trails off. the last time i let him see me cry was too long ago.  i can't let him hear my tears....

"tiff, do you know anything about LA, anything about where your friends are staying?"

"no.. and she said she was going to send me a text but i haven't gotten it yet. Mark how do you hail a taxi? i don't know the first thing about public transportation.."

" ::sigh:: hey, let me call my wife and i'll come pick you up..."

" huh? what? call your wife?"

" yeah. tiff. .....i'm a married man now"

those words stung. deep.  i knew this fact. had known if for a while. but to hear it verbally said, and under the state of distress i had been enduring for the past 10 hours was draining.

"oh" i said softly. "uhm yes. of course..." i laughed under my breath.

click.  

too many thoughts were swarming my head. i have not seen this person in over two years time.  he was good to me. i can't say a single bad thing about him. now i can only look at him as an endearing big brother.

buzz.

"hey tiff me and the wife will be there soon, we'll be at baggage claim."

flash forward to the bathroom. have to catch my breath. it's hot and sticky. i'm tired. i'm hungry. i'm in a city where i can't get a hold of the only three people i am closed to, yet i have managed to get a hold of someone from my past that i have relatively have had little contact with lately, lately meaning a good two years. strange how events fall into place.

I'm finally able to get a hold of Mel and get an address. she says they are about 5 miles from the airport. no biggie right? it's 9:45pm. i should be there by 10pm. glorious.

i don't know LA at all.

nor do i know it's traffic.

nor do i realize that it's like a culmination of 100s of cities in one.

i quickly realize this.

as mark picks me up i meet his lovely wife. she's gorgeous. incredibly sweet. perfect for him.  he helps me load up my massive suitcase (i swear, i packed as if I was the one going to Australia...) and start to make the drive.

"hey tiff! so what's this address again?"

"here is what she had me write down. she said it's about 5 minutes from the airport..."

mark and his wife look at the address, look at each other, look at me, look at the address again and chuckle.

"that's by Beverly Hills... that's at least 30 minutes away..."

"oh. well you can just drop me off maybe at a bus station? or a taxi station? can you drive me part of the way at least?"

"tiff we'll take you there. but are you hungry first?"

am i hungry? are you kidding me? famished.

they proceed to take me to their amazingly cute little apartment which is, indeed, actually 5 miles from the airport. unlike where MJW is. which is clearly on planet pluto.

they cook me up a nice lil dinner of dumplings and some amazing white wine. i adore white wine. a lot. she shows me their wedding pictures and her beautiful tiara. absolutely gorgeous. like a fairy tale. we catch up and reminscience of life when we realize it's 11:30p.

i wish i could carry that snapshot with me always. i wish i could take polariods of moments like those and keep them tucked away in a shoe box. it's moments like those. brief snippets in time that make me appreciate the friendships i have. no matter how distant they are at first.

after an almost 45 minute commute, down multiple wrong way streets, across numerous ghettos and places that look like they should be on the show COPS, we find the house.

we part ways. hug, say take care, walk my suitcases to the door, and i get ready for bed. it's been a long day. i won't see him again over the course of the next two days in LA. i won't get to catch up with him and we will miss each other's calls. but it was nice while it lasted. such amazing people. such a God-send. truly. funny how He works.

..and the beat goes on.