Friday, May 8, 2009

stubborn-ness

i'm stubborn. 

i've come to realize this fact about myself, especially lately with the whirlwind of emotions and events that have been settling inside my life.

this past Sunday was an exceptionally eventfully long day.  I had free tickets to a waterpark here in Orlando called Aquatica.  My room mate Les and two friends Carolina and Susan ventured out to this fun domain.  Being out in the sun and riding down tons of waterslides can take a lot out of you.  Susan and i opted to go to the later church service that evening. My body did not want to go but my heart yearned so much for it.

lately i have felt God is doing something in my life. He's been ripping a lot of stuff out of my life, which, i guess, to make room to plant more stuff. but it hurts.  it's been hurting for the past ten months.
i would love to say that everything is better but I'm not going to lie. it's not. 

every time i go in to status lately, my heart is heavy. i hate it.  church should be a place where i can lay down my burdens and worship freely. but every sunday it's the same. my heart is bleeding for some sort of comfort. God has been ever faithful to restore so many things in my life.  i know He is working on me.
but it hurts.

but i am having faith.

the first part of worship i couldn't go in. i just sat in the lobby and caught up with random people. my energy is gone. as the first worship set wraps up we decide to venture in.

lately i have wanted to hide in the back. i don't know why. i guess maybe slip in, unnoticed.  As we grab our seats cole started speaking and offering some sort of altar call.  i can't remember his exact words but he starts asking if there is anyone broken here. yup. that's me.  

anyone that has felt they are in a desert. me again.

anyone who is crying out. bingo, me.

he asks a series of these types of questions and offers that if these apply to you, to come down to the front for prayer.  i tense up in my seat.  i'm not getting up, there is no way i am standing up in front of all these people and make my way up to the very front. nope.

he proceeds to ask again and again and i feel a stirring in my heart.
Go. up. there.

No.
  i start making excuses.  
"i'm wearing a dress" i think to myself. "there's no way i should go up there, i can't kneel in this"

Go.

my ears are pounding and i'm fighting to breathe.  
"there are plenty of people going up there that probably need more prayer than i do. i'll stay back here in the back and wait"

Go. up. there.
NOW.

I literally felt as if i was being pushed up out of my seat and dragged to the very front.  i audibly shouted "FINE!" and shook my head.  God, i thought, if you want me up there, okay, but i'm sure other people need the prayer more than i do. but i'm going up there. see?

i get to the very front and attempt to kneel.  can't do it. why did i wear a skirt tonight, of all nights?  i try to "lady-like" sit on the floor as cole proceeds to tell us that people are going to come around and pray for us. i close my eyes and wait.
no one comes.

suddenly i feel completely alone. it's a feeling that has become all too real lately. i overhear people talking to their "prayer partners"

i'm struggling with alcohol addictions

i have a drug addiction.

i've had childhood trauma that i can't escape.

i listen attentively to these voices swirling around and around and i start thinking to myself. insert the inner monologue here.

i shouldn't be up here God.  i'm not worthy enough to be up here with these people.  they are suffering much more than i am. they need the prayer not me.  but You called me up here. so i'm staying.  but none of my "junk" is anything what they are going through...

suddenly i feel myself praying for everyone else. everyone else seems so much more broken.
i should have stayed in my seat.

then i feel a light touch on my shoulder and familiar face. Jenae.

"oh i'm so happy it's you! what can i help you pray through"

and then the tears come. streams of them.

and i feel myself collapse on her shoulder. the room darkens and no one else is around. her words are strong and feverent.  another shadow crosses over the sea of praying faces and grabs me by the shoulders. katie.  she cradles me as well. and prays.

everyone who has come up to the front starts to get up to go to their seats. i try but i can't move.

i hate crying. absolutely hate it. but i can't stop.  

i just sit and listen to the worship that has apparently been going on for the past ten minutes.  everyone else has left the front of the room. but i'm still there. 
i still can't move.

Jenn comes rushing over and hugs me. "know that God loves you. He's showing this through Katie"
"jenn i hate being up here. i hate it. i don't want to be up here right now. why am i still here"

music is playing. voices are singing. my eyes are filled with tears. God has a purpose through this pain.  i'm still learning it. i think i will be learning for a while now.
but learning is good. i'm trying to embrace this time that i am in. this season. hopefully it will be over. soon. and i shall be victorious through it.
God is pulling me through.

and i'm learning i can't be stubborn with Him.

1 comment:

  1. I'm glad you listened to the voice inside :) I hope things are getting better and hope to hear from you soon. Love.

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