these words are swirling in the caverns of my mind. i have so many questions and still no answers.
I want to eat. i really do. i dream of food. i dream of eating steak, baked potatoes, cheesecake. i dream of the day where i can eat big meals and not feel pain. and i was supposed to have answers today.
those words surrounded me this morning. why was i not strong enough?
"i'm so sorry to have wasted your time" i murmured to the nurses as they pulled the machine away.
"it's okay, we aren't going to force you to do something you aren't ready for"
"but i am ready for it, i just can't drink this. it hurts"
"there are other options i suppose, but it may be a while"
i sat there, a half empty cup of crystals fizzing up at me, taunting me. the pain in my left side had grown. i couldn't drink it. my heart was beating faster and faster. i couldn't breathe.
"I am with you"
I know He was. I know He is. And maybe i struck out this time. one of these days i will have answers. just not today.
"And i will praise You in this storm
and i will lift my hands
For You are who You are
no matter where I am"