thoughts

frustrated.

hungry.

tired.

worn out.

upset.

these words are swirling in the caverns of my mind. i have so many questions and still no answers.

I want to eat. i really do. i dream of food. i dream of eating steak, baked potatoes, cheesecake. i dream of the day where i can eat big meals and not feel pain. and i was supposed to have answers today.

cold.

dark.

pain.

dizziness.

those words surrounded me this morning. why was i not strong enough?

"i'm so sorry to have wasted your time" i murmured to the nurses as they pulled the machine away.

"it's okay, we aren't going to force you to do something you aren't ready for"

"but i am ready for it, i just can't drink this. it hurts"

"there are other options i suppose, but it may be a while"

i sat there, a half empty cup of crystals fizzing up at me, taunting me. the pain in my left side had grown. i couldn't drink it. my heart was beating faster and faster. i couldn't breathe.

"I am with you"

I know He was. I know He is. And maybe i struck out this time. one of these days i will have answers. just not today.

"And i will praise You in this storm

and i will lift my hands

For You are who You are

no matter where I am"

park sightings

"all i can do is worship You"

lately that line has been consistently rumbling through my head.

i have had many unknowns develop over the past several months.  many heartaches. many uncertainties.  my mind still can not fully digest nor wrap itself around what's going on in my life.

i don't have answers to any of my questions.  I don't have stability in many areas of my "adult life".  

but i'm coming to grips to realizing that through it all, "all i can do is worship You". through the bad times.

worship You.

through the good times.

Honor You.

through the difficult times.

Run to You.

i was sitting at the park a few days ago where a father and his child were playing.  The Father was trying to point out the millions of fish off the dock to his son who kept running ahead. The father would catch up, encourage his son to come look at the fishes, only to have his son laugh, and run away.  The father was persistent and kept running after his son.  the son would try to peek his little head through the fencing to look at the fishes but of course could not, and then would proceed to run farther ahead. each time the Father would leave his comfortable spot and run towards his child.  Finally the father scooped up his son in his arms, while his son screamed and begged to be let down. he fought with his dad when finally his dad hoisted him on his shoulders so he could get a better look at the fish. the son laughed and smiled.

i love it when my Father hoists me up, scoops me in His arms and carries me away.

but more importantly i love it when He never lets me go, runs after me, and never gives up.

"all i can do is worship You"

wallflower

i'm so sick of being pushed to the wayside. sick of not being noticed. i don't know if it's a pride thing or what but if i do a good job at work, or clean up nicely, or hit the right note, whatever, i just ask for a simple thank you. 

or good job.

or that's awesome.

but tonight what do i get?

silence.

sometimes i wonder if there's a reason i'm overlooked. it's kind of frustrating really.

it's like, how much harder can i try?

how much more can i do?

do you even care?

would you notice if i just slipped into the background?

yup. i guess that's what i might as well do.

but the life of a wallflower sounds like such a bland life.

words

your words.

they sting.

they etch in my heart.

stop.

but you continue.

as if it's a game

as if you can try as many times as you can to

agitate

frustrate

confuse

abuse

it's not a game

my ears are ringing with the thoughts

you're a horrible person

you're a selfish person

you could never do this

you could never say that

stop.

i guess i may have to let you go.

i've held on for as long as i can.

and i've told you as many times as i could.

one day you'll see.

you'll recognize.

you will understand

and appreciate.

but i won't be there.

questions.

when will i pick up the pieces

when will time let me move forward

i sit here. this numbing feeling in my chest.

i try to worship.

i try to smile.

these forced conversations. forced feelings.

i lock them up hoping they won't come out.

i won't let You see my hurt

my pain.

but You do. and You cry with me.

God i'm so sick of tears. i hate them. i should be done with them right now.

You are breaking me. i know it's necessary

but

it

hurts

like 

hell

i'm just being honest.  i'm sick of not feeling up to standards.

but i am Your child.

that should be enough.

You see me stumble. Shake Your head and pick me up again.

when will this be over?

when will my broken-ness be fixed?

when will my wounds heal?

only You know.

and Your timing is perfect.

whenever that time will be.

stubborn-ness

i'm stubborn. 

i've come to realize this fact about myself, especially lately with the whirlwind of emotions and events that have been settling inside my life.

this past Sunday was an exceptionally eventfully long day.  I had free tickets to a waterpark here in Orlando called Aquatica.  My room mate Les and two friends Carolina and Susan ventured out to this fun domain.  Being out in the sun and riding down tons of waterslides can take a lot out of you.  Susan and i opted to go to the later church service that evening. My body did not want to go but my heart yearned so much for it.

lately i have felt God is doing something in my life. He's been ripping a lot of stuff out of my life, which, i guess, to make room to plant more stuff. but it hurts.  it's been hurting for the past ten months.

i would love to say that everything is better but I'm not going to lie. it's not. 

every time i go in to status lately, my heart is heavy. i hate it.  church should be a place where i can lay down my burdens and worship freely. but every sunday it's the same. my heart is bleeding for some sort of comfort. God has been ever faithful to restore so many things in my life.  i know He is working on me.

but it hurts.

but i am having faith.

the first part of worship i couldn't go in. i just sat in the lobby and caught up with random people. my energy is gone. as the first worship set wraps up we decide to venture in.

lately i have wanted to hide in the back. i don't know why. i guess maybe slip in, unnoticed.  As we grab our seats cole started speaking and offering some sort of altar call.  i can't remember his exact words but he starts asking if there is anyone broken here. yup. that's me.  

anyone that has felt they are in a desert. me again.

anyone who is crying out. bingo, me.

he asks a series of these types of questions and offers that if these apply to you, to come down to the front for prayer.  i tense up in my seat.  i'm not getting up, there is no way i am standing up in front of all these people and make my way up to the very front. nope.

he proceeds to ask again and again and i feel a stirring in my heart.

Go. up. there.

No.

  i start making excuses.  

"i'm wearing a dress" i think to myself. "there's no way i should go up there, i can't kneel in this"

Go.

my ears are pounding and i'm fighting to breathe.  

"there are plenty of people going up there that probably need more prayer than i do. i'll stay back here in the back and wait"

Go. up. there.

NOW.

I literally felt as if i was being pushed up out of my seat and dragged to the very front.  i audibly shouted "FINE!" and shook my head.  God, i thought, if you want me up there, okay, but i'm sure other people need the prayer more than i do. but i'm going up there. see?

i get to the very front and attempt to kneel.  can't do it. why did i wear a skirt tonight, of all nights?  i try to "lady-like" sit on the floor as cole proceeds to tell us that people are going to come around and pray for us. i close my eyes and wait.

no one comes.

suddenly i feel completely alone. it's a feeling that has become all too real lately. i overhear people talking to their "prayer partners"

i'm struggling with alcohol addictions

i have a drug addiction.

i've had childhood trauma that i can't escape.

i listen attentively to these voices swirling around and around and i start thinking to myself. insert the inner monologue here.

i shouldn't be up here God.  i'm not worthy enough to be up here with these people.  they are suffering much more than i am. they need the prayer not me.  but You called me up here. so i'm staying.  but none of my "junk" is anything what they are going through...

suddenly i feel myself praying for everyone else. everyone else seems so much more broken.

i should have stayed in my seat.

then i feel a light touch on my shoulder and familiar face. Jenae.

"oh i'm so happy it's you! what can i help you pray through"

and then the tears come. streams of them.

and i feel myself collapse on her shoulder. the room darkens and no one else is around. her words are strong and feverent.  another shadow crosses over the sea of praying faces and grabs me by the shoulders. katie.  she cradles me as well. and prays.

everyone who has come up to the front starts to get up to go to their seats. i try but i can't move.

i hate crying. absolutely hate it. but i can't stop.  

i just sit and listen to the worship that has apparently been going on for the past ten minutes.  everyone else has left the front of the room. but i'm still there. 

i still can't move.

Jenn comes rushing over and hugs me. "know that God loves you. He's showing this through Katie"

"jenn i hate being up here. i hate it. i don't want to be up here right now. why am i still here"

music is playing. voices are singing. my eyes are filled with tears. God has a purpose through this pain.  i'm still learning it. i think i will be learning for a while now.

but learning is good. i'm trying to embrace this time that i am in. this season. hopefully it will be over. soon. and i shall be victorious through it.

God is pulling me through.

and i'm learning i can't be stubborn with Him.

....and the beat goes on

... i last left you guys at the airport. my flight cancelled. not knowing a single soul in San Fran....

well i lied. sort of. i know three people. One. Susie the lady we stayed with however she was on her way to England in the coming days. Two. my "friend" steve. another story in itself. and three. a friend of a friend Katie.

I called Katie in tears because i have never been in a situation like this. i hated it. every minute. she calmed me down significantly. she let me know that if worst came to worst and i didn't get on the late night flight to LA she would drive down from Santa Rosa.. which was about a 2 hour drive. pick me up, drive back, and then drive me down early in the morning for an 8am flight that the airline would book me on. i was hoping that wasn't the case. but her ability to calm me was very much appreciative. however. i  stil needed to figure out how to get to LA. as i was attempting to dial Mel my friend Mark beeped in. Mark lives in LA. mark and i have a short past together. all good things though. i have not spoken to Mark in over a years time though...

"Tiffany how are you doing? you in LA yet?"

:: sniffles:: "no i am stuck in the airport and i don't know what to do and my friends are in LA now but i am here and i am lost and i'm lonely and..."

"Whoa. slow down. what's going on?"

As i told him the situation and once again he was another individual to keep me calm. he explained that if the airline could get me to Orange county then Mel and Jeanne could drive up there.

"well what if I just get a taxi from here to LA..."

"Tiff do you realize how far LA is from San Fran.. unless you have 2,000 dollars..."

so option number uno was out.

" i really don't think they know where Orange county is...."

::pause::

"then listen tiff, you get that flight there and i will come pick you up."

He was always like that. Always caring and thinking of others before himself.

5pm. stuck in San fran. option one stay and travel to Santa Rosa with Katie and back in the morning for a definite flight. option two. fly to orange county. option 3. get on the flippin' next flight to LA. i wanted option three please.

As i was texting Katie back and forth keeping her posted with the situation, Steve beeped in and i explained what was going on.

"listen, i have some friends in San Fran right now, if you don't make the late flight, they are more than happy to pick you up, drive you back to Santa Rosa to katie's so that you have a place to stay... you are gonna be okay"

strange how when you have no control over a situation, suddenly options begin to fall into place.

so that was option four. still not good enough, because i was tired, hungry, and stuck in an airport by myself.

I called my friend Sonny back in Orlando, he always had a way of calming me. and that he did. in a different way.

"tiff, you aren't alone. this might sound cheesy but you know that God's got this right? that Jesus is right there with you, right?"

"Yess.... but..."

"But what... you believe that right?"

"yes but I just don't feel like being in this situation right now. i want to be with my friends"

"calm down, grab something to eat and meet a new friend Tiff. God has you stuck here for a reason..."

5:30pm. i mosyed on over to the ticket counter for LA. what a surprise, no flight attendants.. they seem to be hiding from me. another woman was in the same boat as me.

"if you want some company, I'll be grabbing a glass of wine over there.."

that sounded really good right about now. after collecting myself i ventured over to my new friend.

though her name has left me, we quickly talked about our passions with children. you see, she works in DC with a children's hospital and some of her children have been sent to where i work at, Give Kids the World. i think her name was Sheila.

flash forward two hours later and she is my new buddy on the flight over to LA. she's a very talkative woman. calls me girlfriend. not sure what i think about that. she's very loud and animative. i like that.

we finally land and part ways as i am in the "lovely" town of LA ::insert sarcastic tone here:: my luggage had apparently been here for quite a while yet i was stuck in San Fran. with no help from any of the airline attendants, i finally locate my luggage spinning around and around by itself on a lone conveyor belt.

next step. get a hold of Mel. find ride. get sleep. this was going to be a 3 hour process in the making

first of all, my cell phone had very little service when i landed. the one call that DID go through was him. it was such a relief to hear a friendly voice.

"hey tiff so you are here?!"

"yeah i am but.. i'm lost"

"lost? whose picking you up"

"I don't know. I can't get ahold of my friend. i've been in airports since 12 noon. it's 9:30pm. i'm tired. i don't know what to do..." my voice trails off. the last time i let him see me cry was too long ago.  i can't let him hear my tears....

"tiff, do you know anything about LA, anything about where your friends are staying?"

"no.. and she said she was going to send me a text but i haven't gotten it yet. Mark how do you hail a taxi? i don't know the first thing about public transportation.."

" ::sigh:: hey, let me call my wife and i'll come pick you up..."

" huh? what? call your wife?"

" yeah. tiff. .....i'm a married man now"

those words stung. deep.  i knew this fact. had known if for a while. but to hear it verbally said, and under the state of distress i had been enduring for the past 10 hours was draining.

"oh" i said softly. "uhm yes. of course..." i laughed under my breath.

click.  

too many thoughts were swarming my head. i have not seen this person in over two years time.  he was good to me. i can't say a single bad thing about him. now i can only look at him as an endearing big brother.

buzz.

"hey tiff me and the wife will be there soon, we'll be at baggage claim."

flash forward to the bathroom. have to catch my breath. it's hot and sticky. i'm tired. i'm hungry. i'm in a city where i can't get a hold of the only three people i am closed to, yet i have managed to get a hold of someone from my past that i have relatively have had little contact with lately, lately meaning a good two years. strange how events fall into place.

I'm finally able to get a hold of Mel and get an address. she says they are about 5 miles from the airport. no biggie right? it's 9:45pm. i should be there by 10pm. glorious.

i don't know LA at all.

nor do i know it's traffic.

nor do i realize that it's like a culmination of 100s of cities in one.

i quickly realize this.

as mark picks me up i meet his lovely wife. she's gorgeous. incredibly sweet. perfect for him.  he helps me load up my massive suitcase (i swear, i packed as if I was the one going to Australia...) and start to make the drive.

"hey tiff! so what's this address again?"

"here is what she had me write down. she said it's about 5 minutes from the airport..."

mark and his wife look at the address, look at each other, look at me, look at the address again and chuckle.

"that's by Beverly Hills... that's at least 30 minutes away..."

"oh. well you can just drop me off maybe at a bus station? or a taxi station? can you drive me part of the way at least?"

"tiff we'll take you there. but are you hungry first?"

am i hungry? are you kidding me? famished.

they proceed to take me to their amazingly cute little apartment which is, indeed, actually 5 miles from the airport. unlike where MJW is. which is clearly on planet pluto.

they cook me up a nice lil dinner of dumplings and some amazing white wine. i adore white wine. a lot. she shows me their wedding pictures and her beautiful tiara. absolutely gorgeous. like a fairy tale. we catch up and reminscience of life when we realize it's 11:30p.

i wish i could carry that snapshot with me always. i wish i could take polariods of moments like those and keep them tucked away in a shoe box. it's moments like those. brief snippets in time that make me appreciate the friendships i have. no matter how distant they are at first.

after an almost 45 minute commute, down multiple wrong way streets, across numerous ghettos and places that look like they should be on the show COPS, we find the house.

we part ways. hug, say take care, walk my suitcases to the door, and i get ready for bed. it's been a long day. i won't see him again over the course of the next two days in LA. i won't get to catch up with him and we will miss each other's calls. but it was nice while it lasted. such amazing people. such a God-send. truly. funny how He works.

..and the beat goes on.

missed flights and mishaps

( so i've come to the conclusion that i'm horrible with keeping up with this thing... thus being 2 weeks late)

Last Day in San fran on Saturday. the beginning was beautiful. saw off my room mate Les who came to visit bright and early in the morning. this morning was spent lazying it around, packing, re-packing, and wishing my friend Adam a happy birthday. i miss him. i met him right before i moved out to FL. we became really close in a short amount of time and he is such an amazing man of God.  i think he may be coming to visit me in the summer but i suppose i won't hold my breath.

As we exited the city, a sadness began to envelop me.  only a few days left with my bestests. i don't like reality right now. Not one bit.

We ate some Mexican in the lovely airport after parting with our beloved Susie who had housed us for the past few days. Such a dear woman. such a blessing to be able to stay with her.

as we sat down, and walt gave his AMAZING impression ( you will have to ask him later for details) my phone buzzed.  it was a message from my Orbitz account, letting me know that my flight was delayed by half an hour.  no worries right? the gang said they would just wait in the airport until i was able to land. we parted ways as their flight was going to be on time. little did i know that was the last time i would see them until the next morning.

i ventured over to my gate only to find some disgruntled passengers glaring at me. uh -oh.

i scanned the board.  still only a 30 min delay. i sat down and opened my lap top trying to pass the time. with no success. apparently this airport does not have free wireless, even though a link says exactly that. oh well. it won't be too long.

my phone buzzes again.

"we're sorry your flight has been delayed for another hour. please stand by with updates"

hmph. another hour? what is going on? apparently the plane was having mechanical difficulties and they hadn't even left their prior destination. no worries. i'll just read. an hour is a good amount of time to catch up on some much needed reading.

phone buzzing.

"we're sorry your flight has been delayed from 2:20p until 4:30p. please stand by with updates"

growl. i text mel and give them the update. i hope they will wait up for me. i have no idea how to manuvere LA. they are up in the air right now. i am not. hmph.

i'm at this point getting a little tired so i rest my head on the seat and begin to think. i hate thinking. i really do. i am not an intellectual person by any means and i would much rather be numb sometimes than to think. and i'm hungry too. but i'm trying to save money. after all i had to PAY to bring clothes. stupid United Airlines.

phone buzz. ::::: seriously ::::::

"we're sorry your flight has been delayed from 220pm to 5:30pm. please stand by with updates"

no. no. no. no more updates unless they are good.  i text Mel again with the news. no response. it's 3:30 by this time. i overhear two ladies behind me state they are on stand by for a 4:50p flight to LA. they encourage me to try to fly stand by too. sure. worth a shot. i ask the desk clerk about it and he acts like i'm the biggest annoyance ever. "can't you see i'm trying to deal with this San Diego flight?" "uhm yes sir, i just was curious to see if i could try to get on a stand by to LA. my friends just got there. they are leaving for Australia on Monday and i only have a limited amount of time with them so if there is any way i would really appreciate it" he growled something under his breath, printed off some sort of receipt, and told me to go to three gates over.

no one is there. there is two people on the gate beside it. "hi excuse me i am trying to get to LA and the gentleman over there said ---"

"honnie" said a vivacious black lady with a weave down her back " if you ain't going to Las Vegas, we can't help you. we aren't booking LA"

"oh well no mam but you see, there is no one at the desk beside you for LA so that's why i thought----"

"Las Vegas, not LA" she gets on the intercom "ATTENTION if you are trying to get to LA the flight has been delayed until 6:30. if you would like more information on more flights please go to the customer service desk"

6:30? i've been here since 12:30. this is ridiculous.  as i turn to head towards the way to the customer service desk, a stampede follows. Apparently everyone wants to get to LA. not just me.  i walk as quickly as I can with a duffle bag full of 50lbs of clothes that I know i will not wear in the next two days.  I can't pack to save my life.

we go up walkways and down escalators only to find a line that wraps around two other gates. this is the customer service desk. my cell phone buzzes. It's Mel.

"hey we just landed what's the verdict" 

" don't know, it's been delayed so i'm waiting to hear back"

" k well we are probably going to get a cab but just keep us updated and we will see you tonight!"

no they wouldn't.  I hate United Airlines.

   phone buzzes again.

"We're sorry your flight ------"

CLICK. no more bad news. i don't want to even hear it.

the girl in front of me is in a frantic fury.

"What do you mean the flight is cancelled? I need to get to LA now..."

uh oh. no that can't be my flight? right? i mean i am sure there are TONS of flights going to LA. not mine... right?

my heart is beating in my chest. it's 4:30. i'm more irritated than anything. it's my turn. i slowly approach the counter and sit down my massive bag. my shoulder is already starting to hurt.

"uhm hi yes i was on a flight scheduled out at 2:20 for LA and....."

" that flights been cancelled "

shuddering silence.

" oh " i manage to get out. i've never been in this situation. no take that back. i was the first time I tried to fly out from Orlando to KY. but i knew quite a few people in Orlando who were able to bring me back. i know NO ONE here in San fran...

to be continued......

nature, wine and memories

Friday. the 13th. we had three missions today.

Mission number one: be one with Nature.  It was another early morning (and late to bed).  two cups of coffee and I still wasn't reving to go.  We stopped by Peet's coffee (caramel cappacino and a strawberry scone. yes please) and a Farmer's Market (too many choices for bread and cheese) and off we went on a 45 min drive to Muir Woods.  I don't like windy roads. Not one big.  i get car sick too easily.  Luckily i was too focused on downing my coffee to notice.

we passed by a troop of what seemed to be camp counselors and their kids. precious. i could imagine their conversations.

"what kind of tree is that?"

" are there wolves here? "

"does edward cullen live up in this forest?"

wait. maybe that last question was from us. 

as we passed under the Muir Woods sign it was as if we were entering into a new world.  the trees were massive as they loomed over us.  birds chirped.  you could see faint streams of sun light.  it was breath taking.  we even went off path for a few picture opportunities.  we went up mountains and down trails, over bridges and past small babbling brooks.  it was as if we were no longer in a "city" but in a different world, being one with nature.  no cell phones. no cars. no hustle and bustle of the city.  

as we headed back to our car, sonoma county awaited us. and wine.

mission number two: find the best tasting wine.

we approached Bedziger and immediately you could tell that this was a one of a kind winery.  hills upon hills of places where grapes could be picked, tons of trees, and the sonoma mountain and valley.  we climbed to some picnic benches and proceeded to have two different kinds of wine, three different kinds of cheese and multiple slices of bread. uhm yes please. we toasted to a great day, and a great day indeed it was.  there was a small blue jay hopping around along side of us. so bright in color. how great would it be to be a bird? to be able to just fly anywhere and have an amazing view of a place like this?

we journeyed down to where our chariot awaited us. and by chariot i mean a huge tractor pulling a bed full of seats. nice. our guide was very dry in humor. and i loved every minute of it.  

Apparently Sonoma valley used to be a volcano. which amazes me.  he took us up and down the landscape and the day was almost picturesque.  He showed us where they store all the barrels of the wine. It never gets above 65 degrees in that cellar.  And there are HUNDREDS of barrels. it's a family business too apparently.

the last stop of the tour we were given two different samples of wine. we were also called out by the tour guide as being loud. that was a fun moment.  i'm not big on red wine but white wine i love.  we then went inside a gift shop where we were greeted by a gentleman who proceeded to pour about 5 more different kinds of wines for us. All white for me. One was a dessert wine. I fell in love with it.  I'm not a big alcohol drinker but i do like the occassional amazing glass of wine.  Especially if it tastes like candy, which this most certainly did.

next stop: Imagery Winery, the sister wine place.  We were greeted immediately by Joe. He was a jovial fellow determined to let us taste as much wine as we wanted.  And we did. each glass was accompanied by either a small bread stick, a piece of chocolate, or a blueberry candy if we were lucky.  and i was lucky very many times.  Blueberry candy is the best.  i actually stopped drinking wine so i could enjoy more chocolate.  Walter and I began discussing a certain guy from my past.  mixed emotions came back.  first lighthearted. then angry. then reminscent. then numb.  then questions. lots and lots of questions. sometimes memories are good. other times they aren't. and then the rest they are in between.  i had quite a few of those moments. and this guy from my past would soon be making an appearance in my present.

we left Imagery and headed to Sonoma Square. Amongst an Irish Pub and rioters i got a phone call. and four years of emotions and memories came flooding back.  we only talked for a brief moment but it was interesting how time changes so much. And how it can heal parts of your soul but left others there to linger. we talked alot about our relationship with God and how its grown and how certain stuff in our past can't be changed.  I kind of smirked and chuckled to myself.   so much has changed. some for good. some for bad.  what's funny is that my present came to check upon me and my past.  wally and jeanne consistently came to make sure i was okay. they are such amazing friends.

less than an hour passes and its time for the past to become the past again.  mixed emotions once more. jeanne even asked if I wanted to prolong the inevitable.  torn feelings ensued. As much as I wanted to catch up more, i knew for now, and for my heart, time needed to continue on in the present.  

it was weird on the car ride home too. still many thoughts are racing forward.  but to counteract them, a dance party came into play in the back seat. Oh yes indeed. JT, MJ, MIA. some of my faves.

we get back and after some misfortunes decide to go and try out a local seafood joint. Nettie's Crab Shack. horrible clam chowder i must say but their selection of cookies and milk was excellent.  we went out with Susie's son Johnathan who has an interesting perspective on life and religion.

and then the question of the night was posed.

What does it mean to pray without ceasing?

this spawned a big debate. what is prayer. can you pray without ceasing. can you continually be in prayer or a mind of prayer.  still our debates are being tossed back and forth.

we continued on to home and spend our last night in San Fran. many wonderful memories. many more to be had.

beautiful city

Early to bed and apparently early to rise.

8am came and I woke up to Walter petting my head. Rise and Shine.  everyone was going for a short walk around downtown San Fran and I figured I could come along for a stroll and picture opportunities.  a 30 min walk turned into an almost two hour trek across the Golden Gate Brdige and the Hedlands.  Susie went to take a walk, Jeanne and Mel to take a jog, and that left me, Walter, and Leslie to look around.  Walt and Les started going ahead of me as I took pictures left and right off the bridge.  I must have taken over a hundred, but I couldn't get past the idea of how beautiful it was.  A lone jogger in a green hoody noticed my feeble attempts to take a self potrait. And failing miserably

"would you like me to take a pic of you? I notice a lot of people come out here all the time and aren't able to get in any pictures themselves"

"oh wow thanks, if you wouldn't mind..."

" no no, my pleasure" she smiled. Such a pretty warming smile.

and off started our hour long conversation about the city, the economy, relationships, and love. Meet Patricia. She is in her mid- fourties working for some of the wealthiest people here in San Fran.  She knows she will not lose her job any time soon because she is higher up than most, but wants to do whatever she can to "make deals" so that others don't lose theirs.  Very interesting woman and very full of life. She lives with her boyfriend now as she is growing more fond of this city. she was very intriguing and not what i expected of a native San Fran-nian (i don't even know if that's the proper name to say for these folk)  I barely noticed walter and les walking back and forth by me, making sure I was okay. such great sweet friends. we parted ways but i was left with such a calming feeling after talking with her. I love this city already.

I made the trek back to where we parked by myself and just felt such a sense of peace that no one could interrupt.  Yes, I still took pictures but I think as I was taking them, i was attempting to capture the serenity of the moment, walking briskly by the bay as the ocean swept back and forth and seagulls meandered along with joggers and their puppies.  

we got to a place called the Warming Hut for a nice thing of Cappicino and a scone. I proceeded to order both in a British accent, and Mel could barely contain her laughter. such a sweet girl. I'm going to miss her terribly too.  behind her stood two small children, one in bright tights, the other with the cutest hat. we proceeded to play hide and seek in line and their laughter lifted my soul once again.  Children can definitely do that you know?  

our conversation went back to MJW's adventure to the grand canyon. I've never wanted to visit that place.  maybe it's just me but i don't enjoy erosion, i prefer sedemintary. Eh, to each their own:)

from there we made the hike up to THE Golden Gate Bridge. The one i have only seen on episodes of Full House and from a distance from our quaint apartment.  It's majesty towered over each of us and was amazing.  picture taking of course ensued.  Alongside of us were hundreds of bicyclists, one of which ran into Walter. Walter, in his usual boisterious self (said entirely in a GOOD way) proceeded to apologize yet the gentleman took her apology as insult. Such a different side of San-Franians.  There were painters on the bridge too, preparing to suspend themselves from the wires, almost like spiderman. How cool would it be to climb along side of them?

the view was amazing and we hiked further, reminiscing of Broadway Musicals and looking out into the sunrise.  Susie, the lady we are staying with, met us at the top and proceeded to drive us by Saulsolito and then to the Hedlands. Up we went past windy roads and tons of gorgeous landscape.  As we looked out over the beauty of San Fran, once again i was taken aback of how peaceful it was.  it was as if we were in a movie looking out above this city. i was finally filled with an ounce of the peace that i am so desparately searching for.

we took the long narrow and snake like road that wrapped around the side of the mountain back to the heart of the city, our city, my city, my world. after a nice hot shower we bundled up to head to Fisherman's wharf. its a lot colder than what i expected it to be. i guess when i think of Cali, i think beaches, warmth, and sunshine.  i must still be in the Florida mind frame. i packed almost 50lbs of summer clothes to wear on the beach and only three sweaters.  i should have thought this through more, that or at least checked out the weather channel.

Susie dropped us off at a corner to check out Boudin bread factory and their infamous Bread Bowls with clam chowder. it indeed was everything it was cracked up to be, though Jeanne and I tasted the chili (went quite perfectly with the cold day) . There were baskets of bread on a conveyor belt above us swinging back and forth as Justin Timberlake's Senorita played in the background. life was good.  

we ventured out in search of the sea lions.  it is said that sea lions dock themselves on a pier out near Fisherman's Wharf.  Big sea lions. Hundreds of them.  We searched back and forth between piers (apparently there are more than one)  a cute old school arcade caught my eye and in it i found some of the old arcade like games where you put a quarter in and it tells you the future or a grandmother's prediction. fascinating.

we ventured further down the dock along side pier 19 and saw tons of boats docked. inside were two young burly men. I smiled. they looked like they were having the time of their lives just relaxing with no worries in the world. and then they saw me smile and smiled back and made some comment to join them. awkward.  but i took that opportunity as a chance to ask where the sea lions were. pier 49. done.

on our walk we passed by more trolleys and street figures and horse drawn carriages. there were tons of street performers from an old squeaky violinest, to a man painted entirely in silver. this city has so much to offer.  there was even a double decker carousel. amazing. and then we saw Salty the Sea Lion. Apparently that was our golden ticket to find the hundred others whom were waiting. We rounded a bin and heard the sound of dogs barking, no wait, sea lions.  tons of them sunning themselves. I tried to do an imitation of them, didn't work out as well as i had thought. but mission accomplished.

mission two: ride a trolley.  we strolled back along the streets and my eye caught a bunch of amazing souvenir shops. three key chains and a t-shirt later I emerged out of the store only to be swallowed up by another full of sunglasses.  I resisted my urge, walter did not. He made a good choice though. He looks like a movie star. He already has that confidence and demeanor but now he has the glasses to prove it. and they also act as a mirror. I'm clever now when looking at him. heh.

we ventured up the long streets. I've never walked this much in my life.  we finally found a trolley station. $5 one way. Done.  the trolleys are actually called cable cars and rightly so because there is a cable in the ground that runs continuosly underground and the driver has to "let go" for the car to stop. we stood in line and huddled close. the wind is so fierce here. as we rounded the corner our ears perked to hear the lively sounds of a banjo. and much to our delight, walter decided to dance, the "Preacher Dance".  it's on video somewhere. that will become an instant classic. in the far center a man was also being tied to a light pole. crazy.

the cable car ride was like a rollar coaster ride and of course we hung out the side like typical tourists. up. down. up. up. down. down. screeching stop. quite fun.  walter and i sang the theme song to not only Full House but Family Matters. Gosh i'm gonna miss that boy, I feel like he's a big brother to me. And he probably knows how to be one since he has three sisters. Oh walley.

the cable car let us off in the heart of Union Square where we dipped into an H 'n M. great store. next. Urban. four floors of it. Lastly. Forever 21. complete with giant Chandeliers.  this city impresses me.  we hit up a Starbucks and the warmth of my white chocolate mocha brings back such memories.  interesting how a drink can do that.  we stare out the window and two things catch our eyes.  First, quite humorous.  a white rat, on top of a cat, on top of a dog.  Not even kidding.  all of us chuckled but as the heartiness of the moment died down, another image caught my eye. There was a man bundled up, sitting next to the light post, with his head crouched in his arms and holding out an empty cup.  my heart ached for him, and for his story.  i've seen so many homeless people in my brief days here, one of which stared the bejesus out of Walter behind a fake bush and another who held an honest sign that said " why lie, i need money for a beer ".  so many people. so many stories.  as i stared at this man i wondered how long he had been crouched in that position. if he had any kids. if he had ever known love or Love.  i looked back at my warm coffee and thought how fortuante i truly was. I glanced back up and he was gone.

we made another trek to China Town.  such a fun little place. I love Asian culture and all it has to offer. even the kids are cute. Walter almost got hit by a car taking a picture of us. Oh walt. pay attention. heh.  the faint strumming sounds caught my ear but this time it wasn't a banjo but a sitar looking thing as an elderly Chinese man strummed along.  his face was sunken in and he had a blank expression as he stared at the passer-bys.  what was his story?

we passed by gift shops, restaurants, marketplaces all while Britney Spears' Circus played in the background.  interesting song choice.  we made our way down to a corner side pub called Rouge.  as we sat along the table my eyes darted back and forth to the young crowd that was seated all around us. College students, graduates, young professionals, some eagerly awaiting that evening's trivia night. they were so anxious that they offered to make a deal if we shared tables.  we didn't stay. But they did and much to their delight more friends were able to join.

i'm learning more and more about myself in these few days.  I love visiting big cities but i don't know how well i would do living in them. Yet I live in Orlando. Which is massively huge.  I have no idea how much longer i am to stay in the great sunshine state.  This adventure has opened up my eyes to other possibilities.  But i don't want to leave my job. Not now at least.  Who knows when God will call me further.  I have no idea what this next year holds. My two best friends are leaving for the other side of the world. I am happy for them yes, but i am sad and lonely right now.  I have so much "community" but i feel so alone.  Odd parallel to have eh? I'm going to enjoy these next last days as much as I can.  It's a scary feeling knowing that this time next week i won't be able to sit down and talk with them.  I don't know if I'm ready for that.

San Fran=adventure

So i suppose i am going to start into this world of blogging. Very new to me. So we will see how it goes.

For those that care to read, let me catch you up with something.  My two best friends are moving half way around the world to Australia. But before they go, they decided to have a mini-adventure trip to Cali, and I decided to go along the way. So you are caught up, for now.

4am came way too early this morning.  I unfortunately made the mistake of packing, once again at last minute and packing way too much.  I am not the one moving to Australia, but my suitcase told different lies.  

There was a nice woman on the plane taking me to LA (which would then connect me to San Fran). Meet Susie. She lives in Santa Barbara and works for non-proft.  She travels frequently from the West coast down south. She told me she never saw the beach while she was there, yet she was staying in a hotel directly on one.  She said next time she will make a personal day of it. I highly recommended it.  She took me from one end of the terminal to the other, helping me find my flight and finding out most about where I worked. "It's great you are so young and you make a difference in little kid's lives". indeed.  we parted ways eventually.  It's nice making friends with those you sit next to for 5 hours.  I wondered if the next flight would be the same.

it wasn't. a young gentleman sat beside me with a furrowed brow. he stared at his newspaper the entire trip. I tried making eye contact to give him a smile but he would have none of that. strange how different of personalities people can have.

san fran greeted me with crisp, cool and fall-like weather.  Mel's friend Susie greeted me in lovely white chariot (camry) and a coy smile. " you're Tiffany right? "  this was the first time she was meeting me, yet she was hosting myself and four other friends for the next few days.  We drove to her apartment chatting about the coolness in the air and taking pictures of all the grandiouse buildings. San Fran has some amazing architecture. One of the churches is absolutely breathtaking.  

her apartment is adorable.  I can't describe it but it's probably one of the cleanest and well-kept places i've ever been in.  leather sofas, cute kitchen, but lots of stairs. I didn't realize how steep this city was.  neither did my suitcase. it took a good few minutes just to walk up the side walk to her apartment.  a group of movers noticed my feeble attempts. "can we help? " i hate looking like a damsel in distress.  "no i think i got it"  "hey no it's our job" as one grabbed my just under 50lbs suitcase and hauled it up the steps.  And then, to my surprise, more steps.  "here i'll just take it up. Chivalry is NOT dead." wow i wish more of those men lived near me.

jeanne burst through the door with a big smile on her face. ah how i have missed her. And apparently Mel heard me through the shower. she is lovely. the girls are re-united once again. and in walks Walter. apparently i woke him up.  they said they only got a few hours of sleep. oh how i know the feeling. sleep is never over-rated.

off we were whisked away (with some yummy sausage soup and amazing coffee) to board the boat to Alcatraz.  The boat was more like a huge yacht.  And apparently floated in shark-invested waters. no wonder they could never escape. We set on the deck, sun-beaming down, no  time limit. that moment was grand, i wish I could freeze-frame it.

As we docked at Alcatraz, it's amazing how huge the island was.  We saw some of the random buildings and then proceeded into the actual Alcatraz jail, accompanied by an audio tour.  And the moments that followed hit my heart.

Apparently many families dis-owned their loved ones when they were incarcerated here.  "you are dead to me now" would be a famous saying.  the narrator during one of the tours mentioned that if you got visitors, you were lucky.  one guy recognized the voice of a young woman and was surprised to see his grown up sister visiting him. I can't imagine how a tearful gathering that must have been.

the convicts were confined to their cells and looked towards anything from oil-painting to musical instruments to pass the time.  New Years eve would be spent playing any kind of instrument they could grab a hold of. Even if they could only play three notes, they would play those three notes with such an effortless hope.  It was during this time, if the wind was just right, the laughter and giggles from New years parties held on the shore would drift into the cell blocks. can you imagine being that close to civilization but being able to experience it? how sad it must have been.

Mel and I had the opportunity to be locked up in an isolation chamber.  it was pitch black.  the light barely outlined the door. weird. and the security officer was quite creepy too as he slammed the door on us.  talk about clausterphobia.  talk about loneliness.

security officers also housed their families on the island. ON the island little kids roamed and played like it was playground. How crazy is that, to think about your kids possibly playing along side convicts.  

the boat ride back was a bit overwhelming. I think for all of us. a lot to take in during a short time frame. most of the ride was spent in silence. a pensive silence.  

we walked around the tourist part of san fran and I experienced the goodness of an In and Out Burger. ::sigh:: so good but so unhealthy.  We strolled along the beach and its bay and finally found Ghiradelli's.  in all its glory. hot cocoa and a giant chocolate chip cookie accompanied by LOST theories.  good times.  Walter was stopped by a guy who pretended to be a tree and told him that since he scared him, he owed him money. "scare me later" walter said. "that's what my wife said" he retorted back. wow got to love these san fransicans.  

it's now 1 am Orlando time but it's 10 San Fran time. I'm beat.  i have a lot of thoughts flowing through my head right now, but i'll leave you with this; today was a good day, but i'm determined to make tomorrow even better. Gotta make every last day count.